I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
