matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
