his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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