Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
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