alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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