youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
