he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
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