Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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