I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
