So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
