I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Randomize
