I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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