I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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