WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
