i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
