new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
