cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
