Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
