whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
