Where are you?
In a non slutty way
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
