Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
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Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
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I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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