Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
