It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
