I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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