He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
