He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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