omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
