I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Randomize
