guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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