i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
