the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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