Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
