Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
