My girlfriend figured out who you are.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize