I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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