So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
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I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize