Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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