im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
