Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
