He uses pillows to masturbate.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
