ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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