the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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