I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
