The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
