I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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