Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
he fucked my hip out of place.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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