i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
