Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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