At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
