tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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