The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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