I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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