Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
My feet surprised me
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
