Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
