I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
