how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
