doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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